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[31 Jan 2006|06:23pm] |
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mood |
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 rushed |
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what really makes me angry is when certain people just continue to exist as if nothing ever fucking happened when some shit most definitely did happen. i just keep remembering that we all have our reward. maybe not in this life, but it will all be paid in full.
anyway. i'm off to pick up dave's incredibly awesome birthday present that i should be given wife-of-the-year for (seriously...ernie said so), aka tickets to R0B Z0MBIE AND LACUNA C0ILLLLLLLLLLLLLLL w00t w00t
*explodes*
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[13 Jan 2006|07:49pm] |
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mood |
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 calm |
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music |
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transparent - in flames |
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so i got sucked into myspace and i've just now surfaced for air. that place is disastrous when you're in a rush. i feel like i've barely seen my kid all week, and i've only worked mayyyyybe 30 hours. i was scanning the profiles of people who graduated from the same high school as me the same year as me. i only went thru 2 pages of profiles, but in those entire 2 pages i was the only one who is married, the only one with a child, and the only one still in muncie. well, one dude is in fort wayne. but no one else. and i though, wow, what a bummer, i'm still in muncie. and i felt sorta down about it, like here i am in my bumpkinass town with my hubby hub and my chillen. like i might as well have a clothesline hung in the backyard and bust out the mu-mu. grease the tarrs on yer house, goddammit wuhman!! that kinda thing.
but then today i was in my mom's van while she ran into the store to pay a bill, and i was playing the radio quietly and holding julian's hand as he went to sleep. as he closed his eyes, i couldn't help but smile at him, and think, "christ, i'd way rather be right here, right now, than anywhere else in the world. those other people can eat shit. this is exactly what i want my life to be." and that's not selling myself short in the slightest bit. this isn't everything i want. but i'm perfectly content with what i have right now, and i don't give a fuck where everyone else is living and what lavish lives they lead or what-the-fuck-ever....i don't care. i'm happy. my son is beautiful. and there ain't nothin' broke 'round these parts.
in other news i actually made some form of contact with darrik a few days ago. yeah. really. i did. and even stranger, he responded. so maybe i'll show up monday and it will be weirdness on top of weirdness. the reunion of me and my boys. only no drums. pfft. whatever.
i think i need to call katherine soon. we must ingest alcoholic beverages together.
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| we'll make it up to you someday |
[12 Dec 2005|08:40pm] |
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mood |
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 nerdy |
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music |
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mum and jacob studying downstairs |
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Go to your Calendar and find the first entry for each month of 2005 (not including memes of course). Post the first line of it in your journal, and that's your Year In Review:
january: "hoo boy where do i start?"
february: "bleccch, i feel like the poo...getting the crap kicked outta me and i'm so, so, so, so tired."
march: "You offspring of vipers, how can you, being evil, speak good things?"
april: "i feel like a dead porcelain doll"
may: last kiss comic
june: "anybody want to run a 5k?"
july: "got a bunch of sleep last nite, that was awfully nice of julian."
august: "i heart radiohead."
september: "jesus h. krast it's hot up here..."
october: "long time no write."
november: "i'm not going to tag anyone."
december: "this week has been kinda rough."
deep and insightful, as always. i don't know when i became so retarded. i used to have nice things to say. where did all that learnin' go?? i squandered it at the Company for too long.
this is your brain on drugs
uhhhhh yeah. anyway. got all the shopping for julian finished this past weekend. our bedroom closet is overflowing with toys. toys that all...make...noise. oh yes. every single one of them. well, except for the stocking stuff. yes, he's almost ten months old and he has a stocking. shut up.
hi!
now i just have to get stuff for all the other people who aren't julian and i'll be set. hahaha.
work sucks work sucks work sucks work is a soulsucking buttfuck and did i mention that it sucks? 'cos it does. hard. but oh well, i kept my headphones on for most of the afternoon in avoidance of a certain someone and it was good 'cos it afforded me much time to listen to stuff i hadn't listened to in a while....silverchair, mantis, and yeah....my own band. that one thing that used to exist. where did it go? nobody knows, nobody knows. i called jimmy this afternoon from work but he isn't calling me back. whatta buttface. i brought my pick along and everything. i want to play play play but there ain't no one to play with no mo. and me without a car. woe is me. the lonely bassist.
i think the baby neptune video is over, which is my cue to head back downstairs at some point in the very near future.
did i tell you? julian says "mama" now!! and "daddy." and "ba-ba." and today i came home on my lunch break and he said "hi." it is so goddamned amazingly fucking cute. whew, i haven't been able to curse in awhile. FUCK FUCK AND TRIPLE FUCK!! W00T!!!!
my mum is downstairs trying to get him to say "granny," but he's not havin it, he'd rather be out of his walker and playing on the floor.
i put the christmas tree up over the weekend, it looks nice, and it's fun now to try to keep both the cats AND julian from sending it crashing to the floor. so far vita messes with it far more than meladori (big surprise there), and all julian's been interested in is pulling the tree skirt up over his head. this makes sense since that is how we play peek-a-boo, i put a blanket over his head and he pulls it off and we say "peek-a-boo!"
this is why i feel i must curse. because my days are spent saying things like "peek-a-boo" and "fussy" and "no no no baby" and "sing a song of sixpence, a pocket full of rye." hahaha.
my mum's down there whining, "say ma-maw! say granny! call me something!!"
he loves to dance, i hold him with one arm and hold his hand in mine and sing something like...blue danube waltz and he friggin loves it. wait did i say friggin? he FUCKING loves it. that's more like it. anyway...we dance to that, and it always makes him smile.
he's definitely the coolest thing in the whole world. seriously. he can do all this stuff, and it's like, where the hell did you come up with that? and he's learned how to give kisses. which is fantastic. of course they're totally open mouthed and sometimes he even sticks his tongue out, so they're nice and sloppy and full of drool, but they are kisses from my little man so they are wonderful. especially when you're just holding him and all of a sudden he leans forward for one...that is one of the sweetest feelings anyone can ever feel, when your little baby leans up for no reason and gives you a fat, slobbery kiss all over your face. a fat, slobbery kiss that usually smells like a mixture of formula and bananas or vegetable stew or something. mm mm good kisses. hahaha.
oh...today when i got to mum's after work...lord. julian's been eating a lot of "big people" food the last week...he's got six teeth, and he loves to try big people food so we've given him small things...like mac and cheese cut up into little bits, and he had a little piece of chicken all cut up...some french fries yesterday...and lots of veggies and he hasn't been drinking as much juice as normal... so all that together usually does a good job of...backing him up, so to speak. and when i got in tonite from work he was trying so hard...just to poop... and it's hilarious when this happens... i know that sounds horrible and you'll probably gasp and exclaim, "what a horrible mother, to delight in her son's painful bowel movements! for shame!!!" but i guarantee you if you walked in the door to see your son completely stiff legged, squatting on your mother's lap with his hands on her shoulders, his face all red, and grunting and howling and shaking, you'd laugh your ass off too. he's been working on this for a couple of days, he was grunting yesterday in his high chair and i swear...it's the funniest thing you'll ever see. so dave gave him some prunes this afternoon (ohhhhhhh yes the pruney goodness), in hopes of helping him out... so he's on my mum's lap, grunting and yelling, etc, and finally he went quiet, and put his head on mum's shoulder as if to say, "WHEW!! FINALLY!!" and i'm telling you people.....you could see the bump of the turd in his pants. it bulged his diaper out enough that you could see a big point in the bump showing thru his pants. i laughed my ass off. that thing.....was something da vinci would have been proud of. a masterpiece of creation. perfectly smooth and rounded and pointy at the ends. ahahaha.....the perfectly shaped poop. it was almost a shame to throw it away. perhaps i should have taken a picture and posted it here for you to enjoy. if only i could broadcast the smell of said turd thru the computer, you could share in that intoxicating aroma as well.
ahh, if only.
ending turd talk in 3...2...1...
so that's my entertainment these days. not keg parties and band practice, but my son trying to squeeze out some poop. which is of course referred to round these parts as "poopy." FUCKING poopy!!! GODDAMMIT!! FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!
did i mention that i was playing with that 20q game at (w)algreens tonite and it's a dumb piece of wombat shite? i was thinking couch. it thought i was thinking starfish. what the fuck.
the end
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| people all grow up to die |
[02 Dec 2005|09:05pm] |
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mood |
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 cranky |
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music |
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soldier's side - system of a down |
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this week has been kinda rough. okay it's been really rough. i returned to work after an awkward and yet okay thanksgiving break to be greeted with some fuckin' horrible news........a friend of mine from work shot himself the saturday after thanksgiving. it seriously....floored me. jaw fell right on the fuckin' floor. he was only 20. and he was honestly one of the coolest people i've ever met. i don't have one bad thing to say about him. he was....awesome. i really...really....really liked him. and i really...really...really wish he was still alive. apparently he'd been out last friday with some buddies, drinking and etc, and got into an argument with his friend. no biggie. a chick we work with (who is his best friend's mom) drove him home around 1 am. his mom was up. she was pissed...understandably...that he was coming home at 1 am pretty skunked. they have a fight, he tells her "you'll never have to look at my face again" and goes to his room. the next morning, he waited until his mom and sisters were out of the house, then laid down between his mattress and the wall, put some blankets behind his head to keep from making a mess, then put a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger.
it still doesn't seem real.
so the funeral was wednesday, and i left work for about 2 and a half hours to be there. there were a lot of people there, not as many from work as i had thought there'd be, but still...there were a lot of people. i was surprised to see that the casket was open. when i turned around and saw him lying there, man...i just started crying. he was so young. and so beautiful. and he was so........sweet. polite, and kind, and funny... it was only a little over a week ago that he was giving me crap for not buying the new system of a down cd the day it came out... he, of course, ran out and bought it last tuesday, the day it was released, then came into work wearing the free t-shirt he'd gotten, which was wrinkled into perfect squares from him just opening up the package and putting it straight on... he kept coming up to my desk and showing the cd case to me... and let me read the lyrics... and showed me how it fits into the case of the previous one... he was like, "so, are you gonna go buy it tonite?" at which i had to laugh because i almost never buy cds anymore, so i told him maybe during the weekend. sure enough, the next day...last wednesday...the last day i saw him alive...he came up to my desk and said, "did you buy that cd yet?" which made me laugh... and say "dude, i will TELL you when i buy it, okay??" we ended up talking for like...fifteen minutes...until tyra came walking thru the hallway and gave us the eye which means get-back-to-work-or-you-are-in-deep-shit... he said, "well, we have a long weekend, i'll just burn it for you, because you really should hear it." i told him that he should do that. instead of burning me a cd, he fuckin shot himself.
so anyway...the funeral. the casket was open. there were a ton of people in front of it. i didn't realize it was open until someone moved to the side just a little bit and i could see his curly hair inbetween the people in front of me. and i like...stopped in my tracks. his guitar was next to the casket, with a flower arrangement around it... there were markers for people to write notes on the casket, which was already covered with writing. i had wanted to write, "i'm sorry i didn't buy that system cd" or something stupid on there, but i honestly couldn't bring myself to get closer than about six feet away. some people finally moved away, and i could see him... and he looked awful... there was so much makeup on him that you couldn't see his freckles (and dude...he was covered in freckles)... his lips were grey... he didn't look like himself... and i stood there and started to cry and i kept wanting to turn away but every time i did i'd look back and he was just lying there... i kept thinking that he shouldn't be lying there... that he should be coming in to work in a couple of hours and walking thru our hallway to grab the trash cans and bug me about something... or he should be driving around smoking a joint and almost backing into people in parking lots... not lying there dead... he looked so dead...... it was so...strange.
during the funeral, i did alright as long as i didn't look over at the casket. even once the lid was closed and the drapery was covering it, anytime i'd glance at it and think of him lying inside of it i was a blubbering mess.
20 years is not long enough to be on this planet. there are so many things he'll never get to do. and he has no idea how many people loved him.
i'm really gonna miss him..
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[22 Nov 2005|07:17pm] |
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mood |
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 okay |
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music |
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baby neptune |
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not much time to write.
thanksgiving is quickly approaching......i'm to make my sour cream and cheesy mashed potatoes, to which i am not looking forward because i do not currently possess an electric mixer... meaning... i have to use my mum's, whilst at dad's... we're having thanksgiving all together at my dad's house, this will be the last one together, then we will have to have them separate. because i don't think my parents will be able to stand each other for another one together. i mostly wanted to have this one together because it's julian's first thanksgiving. christmas we will not even attempt to have together. we have at least three places we have to go, besides our christmas at home. but that's alright.
back to the stuff i have to make.
uh...oh, dave is making macaroni and cheese...aka not the kind in a box...which will be entertaining as neither of us has ever made macaroni and cheese not from a box... we bought all the stuff and were surprised that the recipe calls for ground mustard. whodathunk. and i have a boxed cherry cobbler (you know me and the cherries...oy) that basically consists of thawing and putting stuff in a crust and sticking it in the oven. not much work there. dave is also making punch, an odd idea from him i thought, but i guess you learn something new about someone every day. or something. what? yeah.
saturday i went in search of construction paper and glue sticks etc etc etc because i was consumed by the idea of making turkeys. you know, the kind where you trace around your hand and then make feathers and such. i don't know why it was so important to me, but it became my mission. as i was walking into staples, i was approached by a former member of my former church, one of the superchristian-superpsychos who used to give me fairly huge amounts of grief about my appearance... the hair colors... the eyeshadow... the fishnets... yeah. she used to come up to my mum and tell her that she needed to put me on a tighter leash. which was funny 'cos at the time i was like nineteen.
anyway.
she's since been divorced and lost custody of her three boys (because uhhh...she's a frickin psycho), but got re-married about a week ago (my uncle and cousin sang at her wedding. strangerrific) and was out with the new hubby. she saw me. did a double take. asked me what i've been up to. i said the first things that came into my head......"got married, had a baby." her face immediately wrenched into this weird half grimace-half grin, her head lurched backward and then back again as she said, "yooooooou had a baby???" i said, "yeah, they let me do that." she continued to look surprised, so just to prove to her that he was born without horns or cloven feet i showed her a picture, and pointed out that his hair is its natural hue, and that he has no piercings or tattoos.
that i know of.
this seemed to satisfy her, so she introduced me to her new husband, i said hello and goodbye as i must continue on my journey for turkey-making supplies.
so that was weird.
when i got home, dave held julian in his lap and i traced around his cute little hands. i ended up making four turkeys of julian's, one for us and one for each of his grandparents. dave and i traced around our own hands too, but dave wasn't nearly as enthusiastically obsessed with making turkeys as i was, so i glued everything for him. i taped my masterpieces onto the inside of the front door, so now we have a daddy turkey, a mommy turkey, and a baby turkey gracing the entrance to the house.
my turkey is wearing combat boots. xD
we had shopping to do that nite, so for some ungodly reason i thought maybe.....maybe my dad would like to watch the baby, considering he sees him maybe once a month. if that. so i called him up and he agreed to watch him, even though it was quickly getting "late"...which in dad-speak is 8pm. we took the baby over there, armed with a plastic wal-mart bag full of his toys, formula, diapers, and every other earthly possession he could possibly need in the span of two hours. when i held up julian's turkey i had made, my dad said in a low monotone, "what's that."
"it's a turkey, dad."
"i can see that. what for?"
"*sigh* ...it's julian's hand."
"oh."
*strained silence where i wait for him to reach out and take it from me, and maybe act the slightest bit amused by its tiny features*
he told me to set it on the end table. i doubt it's moved since.
okay. maybe it has moved.
but i instantly felt like i was a little kid again, standing there with something i've made for him while he tosses it aside as if it were nothing. he kept asking us when we were going to be back, making it obvious he didn't want us to be gone a second longer than 10 o'clock, and hurried us out the door.
by the time we got to the mall, i was so mad at him i was crying.
there's just too much. tooooooooooo much anger in me towards him. i either have to stop it, and let it go, or let it out. it wasn't so much that he didn't give much of a damn about a construction paper turkey. it's that i made the turkey for him specifically so he would have something of julian's and he acted like it didn't matter. i kept saying, he did this crap to me while i was growing up, and i'll be damned if i'm going to let him do it to julian before he's even old enough to make things for grampa himself. every time i see him, which isn't often, he pretty much blows everything off, talks only about himself and his bills and various ailments and anything else he can think of pertaining to himself...barely looks at me or the baby...never asks questions or calls or shows up at the house or anything normal people who give two shits about their kids and grandkids do... i'll admit, i don't make much of an effort to see him either, but if this is the way it is every...time i see him........who'd fucking want to???
so now thanksgiving is in two days and i have to figure out a way to swallow this before it comes out during the cooking. or the eating. or the football watching. hopefully writing this will help.
i'm starving.
work sucked today.
i keep getting pissed off at a certain someone who leaves me the giant cr's.
i got a flu shot last week. that sucked too.
but...............*horn toot* things are finally better between myself and the husband. and you have no idea what a relief that is. hopefully it will just get better and better for a while. he's such a good daddy. he's going to be awesome when julian gets bigger...and can roll around and run around and play all over the place. he's crawling everywhere now, he's decided that he MUST get the dvd player and the videos on the bottom shelf of the entertainment center, so we're getting to exercise our "no's" often. he doesn't exactly respond to "no," but he does respond to "JULIAN!!!" heheheh.
i should probably go downstairs and have mum take me home soon. need food.
the end
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[07 Nov 2005|08:50pm] |
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mood |
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kooky |
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music |
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dir en grey |
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List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now.
Post these instructions in your Livejournal along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they're listening to.
nine inch nails - all the love in the world
system of a down - question!
system of a down - sad statue
glow - alien ant farm
drown - the smashing pumpkins
nine inch nails - with teeth
pet - a perfect circle
i'm not gonna tag anyone. if you want you can say, if not, whatevvahhhh.
as you can see, the same few cd's end up in my player at work sometimes. i've been really into the new nine inch nails cd lately, even though it's not exactly new. dave got it for me for my birthday, but it's taken me this long to actually absorb it. i love it, too. little does he know, the first track always makes me sort of indignant towards him.
why do you get all the love in the world?
that kinda thing.
there's another one on there but i don't know all the song titles 'cos the case is at home, but it's got lines like "i'm trying not to choke and i'll swallow it all swallow it all swallow it all" etc etc etc.
those were good for those bad few weeks. but things have been a lot better for the past two weeks so i'm not going to jinx it.
julian.........yowza. he's crawling. and he's pulling himself up on stuff. all the time. you constantly have to watch him and pick him up and put him in another place 'cos he always has to go where he's not supposed to go. yesterday i had him on the floor of the living room watching his sesame street video while i was in the bathroom getting all gussied up for the evening, and when i peeked around the doorway to see what he was doing he'd already made it to the hallway in front of the bathroom....heheh, he was comin' after me. he pulls himself up behind his walker at my mum's and pushes it all over the room, walkin along behind it. until of course he gets it stuck up against the chair or the wall, then he just walks around the outside of the walker. doesn't want to be put in the walker unless he's watching a video. he's funny. he's so awesome. he's learning 'mama' and 'dada' too. which is.....odd. and he's getting his third tooth...on the top. he's all snot-nosed and fussy from it, too. but alas.......this too shall pass.
he'll be nine months old in about a week and a half.
HOLY SHIT!
i don't want him to be nine months old!!
i don't want him to grow up!!!
he needs to just stay this age right here...this age is fun. i like this age. i don't want him to grow up and have to deal with other people who are assholes and experience any kind of hurt or rejection or........*gasp!* to yell "i hate you!" and stomp off to his room.....hahaha....
i love him being a baby... he should just stay a baby. that would be fine with me. i'll deal with the no sleep. just let me keep my baby. hahaha.
i'm an idiot.
anywho.....what else can i whine about? i would whine about work but the only things i would be whining about are other people and i'm not gonna stoop to that.....since everyone else in the damned lab does it all the time. I AM BETTER THAN THAT, PEOPLE. I PROMISE. at least for this entry i am.
we got slammed today right around lunchtime, spent the rest of the day digging out. i stayed a little over nine hours and conjured up a monster stress headache (dark room + computer screen + 9 hours = ouch.), but made a little bit of a dent in it. i've been doing this thing ever since i've been back... deb says it's 'cos i've gotten soft now that i'm a mama... where i'm like....incredibly nice to people. i don't think it's disgustingly nice. or even insincere. and people...like deb...think i'm doing it because i'm a mom and i'm sentimental and bla bla... and to an extent that's true... having the baby has made me value kindness a lot more... and has made me want to be kinder to people... but part of it, truthfully, is that i've decided that i'm gonna be wayyyyy nicer to some of those nasty bitches than they EVER are to me. and i'm gonna keep my little ass covered. 'cos when it comes back to them, and they have to answer for all those retarded, asinine things they spread around and say about each other and everyone else....i'm not gonna be partaking in that loser's dinner. i'm not gonna let there be one person in that lab who says, "that girl? jennie? yeah, she was a total bitch to me." i'm keepin' my ass covered, folks. keepin it covered.
bwahaha.
i'm an idiot.
rob is sending me videos of dir en grey. those guys are great, but damn are they skinny!!! apparently no one eats in japan. i could have made a really bad asian joke there, but I AM NOT GOING TO BE THAT BITCH!!!
okay.
yes i am.
it's all the rice!!!!!! hahahahahahaaaaa............
*sigh*.........................................i'm an idiot.
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[25 Oct 2005|07:58pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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mom and jacob watching the matrix downstairs |
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Three Names You Go By
jennie
jane
"hey loser"
Three Parts of Your Heritage
english
irish
...and english
Three Things That Scare You
beetles
stuff in the ocean
that evil wooden guy in trilogy of terror, i hate that guy
Three of Your Everyday Essentials
my son
my husband
my music
Three Things You Are Wearing Right Now
glasses
lovely panties, haha
my 5 year Company ring (why...i know not)
Three of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists
the smashing pumpkins
in flames
alien ant farm (i don't care what you think. i love those guys. i'm just as baffled by it as you are.)
Three of Your Favorite Songs - at the moment
glow - alien ant farm
all the love in the world - nine inch nails
the end is the beginning is the end - the smashing pumpkins
Three Physical Things about the Opposite Sex that Appeal to You
eyes
hands
not being an asshole
Three of Your Favorite hobbies
being mama
the playing of the bass
not working
Three Things You Want to do Really Badly Right Now
clean up my friggin house (yes, i actually want to)
hug jimmy
sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep (uninterrupted)
Three Places You Want to go on Vacation
s. carolina
england
italy (say hello to rosie and meo)
Three Things You Want to Do Before You Die
watch my son grow up
find my calling (career-wise)
get better
---
aarrr, mateys.
the past week has sucked. imagine that. i'm reaching a point where the suckiness just floats off my back, 'cos i'm tired of letting it invade my inner peace, yizzo. today i just ended it and went back into the building 'cos it was just getting ridiculous. like, comical. so i stopped it. and it was better later. now's just that awkward time where there's sucking up involved and it's nice and all....but doesn't exactly change things. it's like i get afraid to get too comfortable because you never know when something else will happen and everything that was said yesterday will disappear like it was never there.
wooooooooooo are you getting all this?!?!?
i worked eleven hours yesterday.
yeah.
that blew.
lara called in sick and there was a buttload of work up there, so............i stayed. for what felt like forever. i could have left of course, but then all that stuff would have just been sitting there in the morning when i came in, and wouldn't that just be depressing? that's too much work too early in the morning. so i stayed and got most of it done. i felt better about myself. and i will get paid overtime for it. whatever works, eh?
today bernard had a big five-page thingy full of frames for the christmas party. the employee pictures were taken over the past couple of months and he wanted some frames of everyone flagged for the slideshow they do at the christmas party every year, where they project all the pictures on a giant screen at the front of the room and everyone ooo's and aaaah's over everyone else's kids and grandkids. julian will get an awwwwwww this year. how fun. i hear dave and i got an awwww last year but neither one of us attended the festival of lame i mean yule last year so they could have been lying to me. dave and i have never been to the christmas party as a couple. isn't that weird? the year before last i went and he didn't, and last year like i said, neither of us went. this year i'll probably go but i don't know if he will. this year would involve a babysitter. hellooooooooooo father-in-law. i dunno. it's awfully lame and boring and an awfully long time to leave dave's dad alone with the baby. dave's dad isn't exactly a baby person. for chrissakes, the dude's gonna be 75 next week. needless to say....he doesn't get on the floor and crawl around with the baby or anything.
but he is surprisingly good with him. always offers to give him a bottle or hold him while he's going to sleep. just don't ask him to actually make the bottle or change his diaper before putting him to sleep. hahaha. and you have to make sure the baby van gogh video is already rewound before leaving 'cos he won't be able to find the remote once you're gone. haha. but he really is good with julian. he's the first person julian ever smiled at. that's a sweet thing for his grandpa to hold onto.
his other grandpa, i dunno, i haven't seen him in like, a month. and i live a block away from him. i feel kind of bad about it. but then i stop feeling bad about it when i realize that the street between us goes both ways. and last time i checked, my phone works so yeah.......it's not all my fault. i know that my dad is "intimidated" by me but this is really more him acting like his own parents....."i'll make no effort whatsoever so that when my kids don't make an effort i can hold it against them and feel all hurt and abandoned and guilt them into coming to see me rather than having a relationship with them that would make them want to hang out with me." aka...let's play pass the blame!
wow i sound really uh......pissy.
pfft. deal with it.
i am pissy.
okay. i'm not really pissy. i'm just........tired. like...emotionally tired. i refuse to fight anymore. i'll just lay down on the floor and whoever wants to can just trample over me 'cos seriously...i'm done. i'm done letting stupid shit ruin my lunch hour. it's not going to happen anymore. i can guarantee you that.
i got a funny phone call at work today from a certain naked guy in a bathroom. that was amusing. i had originally thought he was calling to yell at me again, so i sort of groaned when i heard my name being paged. but it ended up okay.
everything will be okay.
i have a lot of damn bills right now.
good thing payday's soon.
and by the way, mandy's a married woman today. a crazy married woman, but married just the same. she's prolly gettin' it on as i type this. i hope it's everything she wanted it to be. 'cos if it isn't....i'm sure he'll hear about it. ;) hahaha......
ohhhh.....before i go..... i got a cr this afternoon that had tyra and me laughing for five minutes straight... it got sent back because the goldscript was misspelled. the kid's name is 'parker.'
yeah............we spelled it 'porker.'
*dies*
tyra pulled the summary sheet, and we found that whoever took the order in customer service has that big giant girly handwriting (like amber's) and had linked the 'a' and the 'r' together.....so it really did look like porker. so no one questioned it. and we sent it out as porker. lord i'm laughing right now. PORKER!!
finally tyra couldn't take it anymore, and looked him up to see if he was fat. he wasn't.
the end
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| all things change |
[20 Sep 2005|06:43pm] |
well. the system's been shitting on itself at work, meaning uh....WE CAN'T GET ANYTHING DONE AND THAT IS FUCKING PISSING ME OFF....... like, triple aargh, yo.
in other news i have nothing of note to say, really. i've been writing in my paper journal a lot. like, every nite almost. it's a nice release at the end of the day, right before bed...to just let everything out and say everything i want/need to say without really saying anything at all. i need that release.
my parents went to sign divorce papers tonite, mum should be back now (i hear her walking in the door) to tell me about that fun stuff.
lord.
i want to sleep.
songs so far for dave's holy-shit-it's-our-wedding-anniversary cd:
david bowie - absolute beginners
sentenced - you are the one
zwan - lyric (this one and sentenced were played at our wedding)
the smashing pumpkins - if there is a god
marcy playground - dog and his master
johnny cash - what do i care
and of course.......
if you don't love me (i'll kill myself) - pete droge
bwahaha
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| you and me will all go down in history |
[13 Sep 2005|08:42pm] |
jesus h. krast it's hot up here...
so my parents have officially split up, and i am currently sitting in the upstairs bedroom of my brother jacob, at the townhouse he and mum have moved into on campus. he's going to ball state this year so it works out really well for him. and the fact that mom and dad are no longer together works out really well for everyone in the entire fuckin world. fo sheezy.
that was a whole thing that happened a little over a month ago, it's going well and no one is being overly pissy, in fact they get along better apart than they did the past ohhh..........as long as i can remember. so it's all gravy, and i don't exactly have any weird feelings about it whatsoever.
jacob's sitting on his bed behind me with julian, the baby's cooing at him and it's cute sounding. julian is getting his first tooth...one shiny pearly white poking up above the gums on the bottom. he chews on his hands constantly and has been a little bit more fussy lately, but not too bad. he's sleeping thru the nite thanks to our lovely nite-time ritual (breastfeeding, diaper change, cereal + random baby food mixed in cos he won't eat it any other way, sleeper outfit, lights off save for tv and quiet time cd...dude i love that quiet time cd, haha), and work is well.....work. as usual the system blows a fat load and is slowwwwwwwwwww all the damned time but que sera, sera, eh??? i don't give a fuck. i'm gettin' paid and that's all that matters.
anywho, yeah.
now julian's sitting on jacob's chest and kicking him in the neck. he seems to think that is hilarious.
he can do all kinds of stuff now, like...baby stuff. it's amazing. he can sit up by himself and stand up on the side of the chair for a long time, and he laughs and smiles and plays with his toys and watches his baby mozart video... and pulls hair (or beards of various male friends and relatives)...haha. he does this seriously cute thing where he runs his fingers thru my hair while we're cuddled up before bed... we sit on the couch in the dark and i put him over my lap with the music playing, and he lays there playing with my hair until he gets too tired and then he wants to hold my hands until he falls asleep. he's just.........too freaking adorable. too freaking cool.
i better get off of here, jacob has homework and i have to take the car to dave so's i can go home and start the before-mentioned nite-time ritual. woo fun joy.
---
"forgiveness is the ultimate sacrifice / eloquence belongs to the conqueror"
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| uh. |
[31 Aug 2005|07:21pm] |
got one of my favorite quotes from jeannie at work a few weeks ago, just now getting the chance to write about it...
lara and i found out that deb and jeannie don't know who marvin g@ye was, and we thought that was weird so we were trying to think of other bands/musicians that everyone on earth would know except for them (keep in mind...deb's the one that had no idea who met@llica is)... so we're naming them off and finally i said, "what about led zeppelin?"
jeannie: "i know him!"
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| he used to do surgery for girls in the '80s |
[16 Aug 2005|06:52pm] |
i heart radiohead.
i do not heart work. but it's not so bad being back. gives me a nice break from being momma.
and if i could be who you wanted
and if i could be who you wanted all the time
all the time...
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| the musical fruit |
[26 Jul 2005|03:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 good |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
ice age, in the other room |
] |
julian's actually taking a nap that's lasted more than ten minutes, i hope the tick-tick-tick of the keyboard doesn't wake him up, or i might be forced to burst into tears.
dropped dave off at work after he went on a bitch-fest. i love those. but ah well, it makes him feel better to vent and that's what i do....i listen to venting. i aim to pleaze. and when i need to vent, i find a computer. that makes a ton of sense, doesn't it?
tyra called early this afternoon, whilst i was giving julian his daily dose of the baby food. peaches. it's pretty damned delicious, if i do say so. but yeah...our phone's still out so she called my cell phone, which was odd cos i don't exactly remember giving her my cell phone number. mandy must have given it to her. ah well. ANYWAY............she wants me to come back to work on the eighth of august. the day after my *horn toot* five year anniversary with the Company..... i called her back and told her that was fine with me.
i'm not exactly excited about the prospect of going back to work, but it's proving to be a bittersweet idea, in the sense that of course i don't want to be away from julian, but it'll probably be nice to have a little "break" from him during the day. plus, silly as it may sound, i've come to like my department and (most of) the people in it...haha. i've finally reached a point where i like my job, and i'm good at it...at least i like to think so. so yeah, going back isn't the worst thing in the world, and i am glad that i've had all this time off to be with my son...i mean shit, most people barely get six weeks off work after having a baby, and i've had five and a half months...so i'm not complaining.
i also uh...need to make some money!! hahaha... so that will be cool too, especially since some new, un-fun bills have popped up since last week. we'll see what happens once i'm back in the swing of working and getting paychecks, maybe i can still manage that new laptop i've had my eyes on.
dude, i need a new computer so freakin badly. mine is shot to shit finally, i think. it takes a year and a half to boot up and refuses to respond to any maintenance, so while i'm grateful that ernie sold it to me a couple of years ago i think its time has come. fare thee well, suzanne...may you rest in peace.
speaking of computers, i did finally get my old pictures off of katherine's computer last week. there are still a couple of things i'd like to get off of there, but she's in the process of moving so maybe we'll wait until that's all settled. it might give us an opportunity to talk a little again, and that wouldn't be bad i guess. it didn't go badly at all last week, i think it probably went better than we both expected. i dunno, she might think differently. but it was alright on my end. of course i talked too much and smoked too much but whatareyougonnado, eh? i'm a dork. i like it that way.
today is tamara's birthday, w00t! i gotta call her and see what shenanigans are planned for this fine evening. maybe i can get julian's gramma to watch him for a while. that would rock some serious socks.
i wanna get some music going again soon, too... dave and i were talking about this last weekend, about how it would be nice to maybe just get some acoustic things going, there are places here that would probably be way more accomodating to us if we did some acoustic stuff. since darrik up and quit, it might be interesting to explore some other sounds...drumless sounds, yes...but sounds none the less. i think i'm ready to start playing on a regular basis again....i don't know about the other two kids (tamara especially), but to be honest, i don't think it would be too hard to get together once a week again and run thru some stuff.
i saw shannon and bubba outside of baskin robbins the other weekend...it was hotter than hell and shannon's about to pop another kid out at any second, they looked really uh...happy. haha. bubba left us hanging on the stuff we recorded at the end of last year...huge surprise there, eh? jimmy said he saw him at his work a while back and bubba said, "i'm gonna get you your cd, dude!" jimmy cracked me up cos he said in this happy, polite jimmy-voice, "not fucking likely, dude!" i don't know what the fuck's up with that, or what we're supposed to think, other than...don't trust bubba to finish anything he starts with you. that's a good reputation for a would-be music producer to have. i dunno..i just think it's pretty fucking crappy of someone to make such a big fucking deal about having us record for him....FOR him...for a school project... i mean, it's not like we asked him to do it...HE asked US... and we bent over backwards to do it in the amount of time that he had... jimmy and tamara went thru a bunch of shit to get off work so we could go to the studio those days... i carried my heavy ass jazz bass and my heavy pregnant ass over however many city blocks and up however many flights of stairs to get up to the studio and do that for him... only to sit in a tiny little room and attempt to play over my then-huge belly while getting the crap kicked out of me, while bubba barked orders at us over an intercom that made him sound like one of charlie brown's teachers and gave us an hour to do three songs, one of which that wasn't even completely finished... the dude totally rushed us around and made us bust our asses......then left the whole thing in the air. and yeah........uh........that bugs the living shit out of me. so..............*le sigh*....whatareyougonnado???
i'd really like to have that finished, though...those songs mean a lot to us.
i think that's enough for now. i gotta call tamara and wish her a happy day of birth.
cheers, bitches
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| londontown is burning down |
[08 Jul 2005|03:48pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
brahm's lullaby on julian's bouncy seat |
] |
got a bunch of sleep last nite, that was awfully nice of julian.
he's got a couple of little teeth coming in on the bottom, he cries about them sometimes and it's very hard to listen to.
i actually cleaned out my car, penny, the other day. the poor old beast. the poor old dormant beast. penny don't run no mo. but he was dirty, and i figured if i was ever to have someone (aka...my uncle) come over to work on him, i'd rather not have him see the 30+ empty cigarette packs all over the floors and god knows what else. apparently i dropped part of a twix bar under the seat about two years ago...nothing was left but the caramel. it still looks pretty gross but it's much more presentable, and about as good as it's going to look until i can get it running and get it to a car wash and vacuum the sucker out. found a bunch of cds that had been locked in the car for the 2 years it's been non-running. so i've been listening to them a lot. flying down the bypass blasting stabbing westward, thinking of flying down the bypass blasting stabbing westward with ernie. haha. listening to the first disc of machina II, thinking of when dave and i first started dating and i couldn't stop listening to "speed kills" and "if there is a god". blasting big brother and the holding company and dancing across the living room holding julian, to "summertime", and thinking of tamara up on the stage at doc's...piss drunk and looking for a lighter while singing...me walking up to the stage to hand her mine as she ended the song...completely forgetting the second verse and just repeating the first... hahahaha... and listening to neon ballroom while washing the dishes...thinking of walking around the lake in crossville over christmas 1999... the dusting of snow crunching under my sneakers, clutching my discman in my freezing hands. walking around the lake and watching the water, hearing "burn my knees burn my knees burn my knees and pray". feeling sick.
i always attach a ton of memories to music. i'll bet i have some kind of memory attached to every single cd i own.
it's nice to listen to things i hadn't listened to in a long time, and to recall the memories attached to them. i listened to machina I a week or so ago, cos of a certain event....one that made me want to hear "this time" over and over and over. and last nite i was cleaning the receipts from my purse, to write them in el book-o-checks, and came across a poem i had written about the chad-breakup-fiasco. it was probably the least vague and incomprehensible thing i've ever written. actually conveyed exactly how i felt about things.
that was nice.
i'm gonna go smoke now.
this time i need to know / i really must be told / that it's over...
...and who you think you know / doesn't know you at all / their drain is needless...
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| i yi yi... |
[26 Jun 2005|11:34pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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cranky |
] |
| [ |
music |
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nothing |
] |
what a day, what a day, what a world, what a world. i'm mellllllllting
i don't even know what to say. this day has just been.....a friggin rollercoaster. and to be totally honest i'm really starting to get sick of these rollercoaster days. and i know why it's happening and it's pissing me off. i'm not going to walk on eggshells again....i fucking refuse.
GODDAMMIT MY COMPUTER IS PISSING ME OFF TOO FUCKING SHITTY STUPID COMPUTER GODDAMMIT.
BIG DUMB STUPID CRAPPY PIECE OF CRAPPY CRAP!!!
*le pant* *le pant*
okay. anyway. everyone just chillllllll. keep cool, my baybees. just keep breathing deep and just keep on keepin on. that's all i can do. i am alright. i am alright. i can handle everything. everything....is what i can handle. i am........fine.
*le pant*
okay. well. um. yes.
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| william tell overture |
[23 Jun 2005|10:34pm] |
do you ever just want to ram your car into the nearest stationary object? a house. a tree. a pedestrian. whatever.
just asking.
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| run my brother's race cos that would be nice of you |
[01 Jun 2005|06:10pm] |
anybody want to run a 5k? how bout walk for a mile?
my brother is organizing his race again this year. it's uhh.....june 18th at central's track. 12 buckaroos if you register before june 16th. otherwise $14. you should do it. or i will kill you. okay, no i won't. but i just might cry. you don't want that, do you?
registration forms are at a bunch of businesses up and down mcgalliard. or you can leave me a comment and i'll get one to you.
all proceeds go to the muncie centeral cross country booster.
booster is a fun word to type.
you should run the 5k. or if you smoke too much like i do, walk the mile. it's only four laps around the track, you lazy asses.
i shall be there with my handy dandy stroller pushin the youngin round the bend.
show up, muncie bitches!!
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| forever lost in forsaken missives and satan's pull |
[20 May 2005|04:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
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the tv |
] |
sometimes, when i think about the way my life has turned out, i wonder how i could love anything more than my life now. even though sometimes i feel totally and completely detached from everything that used to matter to me. you know what? music used to matter a lot more to me. i mean...what i was listening to. but after three months of tingy baby music and the baby mozart video, things are more and more just sounds. and sounds are used more and more often to soothe a crying baby rather than soothe my damn soul. and you know what else?
that's alright.
that's just fine with me.
to be in this stage of my life --- sort of a grownup and sort of a kid --- getting to watch julian's face light up when he sees new things or learns new things --- getting to experience the newness of everything thru him --- it's great. i don't long for the days of zero-responsibility and drugs and alcohol and making tons of noise and calling it music as much as i thought i would. i won't say i don't miss making music, cos i really do. in fact, i miss it way more than anything else in my "previous" (aka...beechwood-era) life. and i just might start playing again soon, now that julian's a little bigger and weaned enough that i can leave him with his grandma for longer than four hours without feeling like my boobs are going to explode. so that would be......soothing.
i didn't miss music as much until rob sent me some sp and zwan tapes last week...live stuff that made me all tingly in my special spot. especially "transformer", cos that song just conjures up all these dusty ghosts of years past. me sitting in my room at my parents' house (down the hall from where i am currently typing this), the first nite with my first bass, playing the thirty-three single over and over until i could pluck out two of the songs (the first one i got was the aeroplane flies high, the second was transformer). meeting rob because of transformer's lyrics.
a cherry onion firefly
tastes sweet and white
as you are blue
knows just what she wants to do with you
below the silver skiiiiiiiiiiies
don't hate her because she's undecided...
see? why don't the lyrics to music move me as much as they did back then? i know for a fact that a lot of that has to do with music's steady decline in meaning over the past few years. maybe it's just declined in meaning to me. i dunno. i don't think that's really it. i think i've just shifted my focus. there are other much more important things to spend time overanalyzing these days.
and shit, i don't even overanalyze as much these days. who has time for that??
julian's sleeping thru the nite now and man is that awesome. i've never felt this rested in my entire life. funny how i used to sleep all day long all the time, and yet i've still never felt this good. this rested. this content. and this happy. with or without all of the things i thought i needed before. i found a survey i took like, three years ago. it had me list five things i could not live without. and out of those things....there are only two that have stuck around. guess i didn't know myself as well as i thought i did. or maybe i just didn't know everyone else as well as i thought i did.
julian's wailing in the other room, my mum's trying to comfort him. he's probably hungry, so that's my cue to bust out the boobage.
yep.
oh lord, now she's got him watching oprah.
he liked fraggle rock a lot. it was funny to watch him, just totally enthralled by the music and the voices and the colors. he likes music a lot. and he really loves the band sublime. it's weird, he could be pitching a fit like you'd think he was dying, and if sublime comes on the radio he shuts right up. disturbed, on the other hand......man does he hate disturbed. that's my boy.
okay...i really better go feed him before he gets too upset.
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| bow chicka bow bow |
[07 May 2005|05:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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meh |
] |
| [ |
music |
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the music from julian's swing |
] |
ps. julian's swing plays "love me tender"
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[27 Apr 2005|10:24pm] |
have to write quickly, vampire boy is starting to squirm.
i wish........i could sleep. i should have been sleeping this entire time he's been out, but i haven't. i've been doing other things and wasting time in various other ways.
i really want to talk to my mum, but she's at my brother's track meet and therefore.....i cannot. it's getting late now, i doubt she's gonna stop by tonite like she promised. it's funny, cos whenever she's here she sort of takes over the baby. and i usually just let her, cos it's a much welcomed relief. someone else can keep him happy for a little while and i can just relax for a few minutes.
ohhhhh, he's crying in his sleep now...
anywho, i dunno. i feel weird. there are a lot of things i want to say but i really just want to talk to my mum... a lot of things have happened today that i just don't... i dunno.
oh well.
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| hey-yeah i'm the one that you wanted |
[25 Apr 2005|04:35pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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okay |
] |
| [ |
music |
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superbeast - rob zombie |
] |
there are just like...so many things that confuse me. people wonder why you pull yourself into this little shell and never once think that maybe it's because seemingly every time you poke your head out you're being betrayed in some way or another. i'm learning now that most friendships don't matter, that when people say "forever" they usually just mean "when it's convenient for me".
it's funny to think that the things you always thought were so important were never important in return.
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